Abandoning all the feelings in order to heal

She was in Germany for a while now. She had a nice job, she had her own place and managed to meet nice people and make good friends. She was enjoying the time there. She was discovering a lot about herself and about the infinite world out there that was waiting for her to go out and experience.

The memories of the past relationship were slowly fading away. One month passed by, one year passed by, several years passed by already and she was feeling better than never.

In the beginning, she still tried to have contact with him. She wanted to make sure he is doing fine, she was worried because she suddenly left and never looked back, but after a few months, she did not see the meaning anymore. She felt such a fool for believing everything that she will get angry with herself every time she will remember that situation.

She put too much hope in people but, one thing she was sure of: she offered everything she could to make the relationship work, she gave up on everything to be with him – her home, her family, her friends, her country.

She felt the need to put a barrier between her and her past and continue with her life, to completely close that chapter and open a new one. A chapter where she had total control of her life. She required time to heal and to concentrate on herself, to recover that self-confidence that somewhere on the journey she had completely lost.

She was alone for a long time, she did not even remember for how long, but afterwards, she started dating again.

She did not want to invest any feelings, or she was too afraid of letting herself go and fall in love. She could not trust so easily, and she will always find a reason not to start a serious relationship with someone. She met amazing people but will not want to define what it was going on between her and the other person, she will not want to make it official, she will not talk about that person to her family or present him to her friends.

She remembers that every time she will go and visit her mom she will always be asked if she will bring someone with. The answer was always no.

In this way, she thought she was controlling the situation, her feelings, and could not be harmed in any way if the other person decided, from some reason to disappear from one day to another.

She will think that her standards were too high and because of this, after several years she did not manage to be in another relationship.

But it was her, it was her wounds that did not heal yet, it was her demons that did not let her sleep well, it was her fear not to be cheated again, it was the need to be alone and just figure out how to be happy without anyone next to her.

For some reason, she was not capable to have feelings towards a man anymore. Whenever she met someone she liked, she started dating, but somehow, something was always missing.

Whenever the other person requested more attention from her, more affection, or more time from her, she will stop the contact with him. She did not feel ready to offer more of herself than what she was offering already. Men were never a priority and her friends, family and work were much more important. She knew that almost no one will understand and accept that, so she preferred to stay single.

In the beginning, it was the fear to be hurt again, but after that, she becomes too independent.

She was not searching for someone that could complete her, she already felt complete, she will not search for someone to make her happy, she was happy already, she was not searching for someone to say how beautiful she is, she felt beautiful and strong every time she looked in the mirror.

Almost six years passed by and she enjoyed all that time. She met amazing people, she was able to establish beautiful friendships, she was able to travel alone and with someone next to her, she was able to enjoy herself from every point of view. She discovered that happiness is not a person or a place, happiness is moments and you make your own happiness. The world is exactly the way you see it: it can be a good place, or it can be a bad one, it can be a happy place or a sad one – everything depends on you!

I am here right now, in a random coffee in this beautiful city, remembering all this and it seems that I am talking about a completely other person.  

The power of a person to completely be detached from any kind of sentimental feeling that might appear and be ice cold and fully realistic that one precise moment is just that and there is no future. The power of a person to satisfy the basic needs without involving any emotions. The mind is a powerful tool!

Each of us needs to go throw different phases in life and to experience different feelings. The idea of different should not be terrifying because different is not necessarily something bad, unknown is not necessarily something bad, letting people go out from your life is the normal course, and allowing new people came inside is also natural.

Experiences, people, places, jobs, influence and form the person you are today. I could not be more thankful for each one of that which contributed in its own way in building my personality.

I am grateful for each moment I experienced in so many places next to so many different people, and I am proud I could allow myself to be so open minded and to embrace people from different places, different countries, different cultures, different mindsets.

We cannot hold on to the past! Maybe some people will need weeks, maybe some people will need months, or maybe they will need a year or a few years, everyone has his own rhythm, but one thing is for sure:  happiness is within you.

And your story? Do you think more with your heart or with your mind?

Version in Spanish: https://journeywithmada.com/historia-nr-11/

Version in Romanian: https://journeywithmada.com/povestea-nr-11/