Should you be the real “you“?

“Summer was almost over. She could feel that the days were getting shorter and the nights were getting longer. The fall was coming slowly and with it, some changes in her life. Not only do seasons change, but also the way you see things in one way or another.

An old friend wrote to her after a long time. She calls him friend because they could not be more, they were not meant to be more, or at least, in that moment, not in the past and nor in a near future, not even in the future at all. Somehow, for some reason, she did not want to share that with anyone. There was no specific reason, but she felt like she wanted to keep it for herself, to let it be her little secret.

It was something that made her happy, the idea of reliving, after a very long time, some moments and emotions that she had in the past, that made her smile. She considered that the idea of just talking about it, and give it more importance than it really had, will just destroy the meaning it had for her. This explanation was enough for her. She will not share it with anyone.

They sat, they looked at each other, and in some situations, words are just not necessary. They ordered a bottle of wine, enjoyed a nice meal, and, from both sides’ stories started to be told.

Some people consider that they cannot be themselves, or at least not 100%, in front of their friends. They are people who consider that by showing how they really are, it will be a great effort on their friends’ side to accept them as they are. It is that fear of being rejected, is that fear of not being accepted for who you are, it is that fear of being judged for who you are, as you are and why you do the things you do.

We all keep our little secrets. Some of them are bigger, and some of them not.

The dilemma is that if you do not show yourself how you really are, with your flaws, madness, and qualities, don’t people love just an idea of who you are? Don’t people accept someone in their homes and share their lives with a person that is not who they think they are?

And on the other side, is it unfair not to share everything with your friends? Are you supposed to be a bad friend if you don’t and a good friend if you do so? What is wrong and what is right? Are we allowed to keep secrets from our friends? Is it allowed, in a friendship, to keep things just for yourself? Are we supposed to share everything with the people we love? If we choose not to do so, are we doomed to live a life in loneliness and without friends?

Do friends have the right to judge you if you decided not to share something with them? Aren’t they supposed to accept you just the way you are? Do they have the right to question your friendship if you decide to keep things to yourself? Is that even mentally healthy living in fear that the people you might love, more than you want to admit, won’t fully accept you?

Isn’t that too exhausting to pretend that you are someone completely or slightly different?  Isn’t it exhausting to always control what you do and what you say, how you behave, and what you show to others?

On the other hand, are we really supposed to talk about everything that is happening in our life? If we share everything, what is left for us? What remains pure to think about at night when you go to sleep? What remains pure that is not influenced by the opinions of others? What remains pure that is not influenced by opinions of people who know only half of the story, only one version?

Some people gain confidence much faster than others; some people get hurt more than others, and some people are afraid of breaking even more with the slightest idea of not being accepted or understood. Some people decide that even if this will be one of the hardest things to do in life, they will share their secrets with you even with the risk of losing that person.

They were finishing a bottle of wine, at midnight, when they decided to take a walk in the night that was getting colder and darker, and two different people talking about the same thing and sharing a completely different idea of what a friendship should be like and how a person is supposed to behave.

That night ended, they went separate ways like they did a long time ago, but the conversation and the subject still resonates in her head, in some way or another, every now and then.”

I am here right now, with the sound of the wind in the window, trying to organize my thoughts in such a way that they make sense, not only to myself but also to the others. There are a thousand questions, and I can find a thousand answers, and from other people, I will definitely hear thousands of other opinions.

And this is the way it is, there is no right and there is no wrong, there is no must and there is no shouldn’t, there are no rules in a friendship. To deeply connect with a person is important that you show yourself as you are and that you also accept the other person as they are. We are no one to judge, we are no one to demand, we are no one to blame if a person decides that it is simply not the right time to do so, to share everything with everyone, and we must try to understand this. 

The moment we decide that we should at least try, to understand that is fine to be sometimes vulnerable, it will be the moment when our flaws make us stronger.

What is your story?

Version in Spanish: https://journeywithmada.com/historia-nr-26/

Version in Romanian: https://journeywithmada.com/povestea-nr-26